One meaning of “fight” is a violent confrontation or struggle. In a “war”, there are winners and losers. When in disagreement with someone, we often view the winner as being right and the loser as being wrong and we want to be the “winner”! Winning the fight is not an advantageous goal in healthy relationships. Conflict is inevitable in meaningful relationships, but fighting is optional. Whether delivered calmly and quietly or sarcastically in a loud screaming voice, the approaches commonly used in “battles” with those we have bonds with are toxic to the relationships. These include blaming, shaming, criticizing, accusing, assassination of character, threatening, name calling, stonewalling, blindly defending ourselves, justifying, cursing and yelling. By the way… when we yell, we are not heard!

When inevitable conflicts arise, the aspiration for each of us should be to deal with conflict respectfully and work together to find a workable solution/resolution. It may be hard to grasp or imagine, but no one needs to treat another dreadfully or behave dreadfully to resolve disagreement. In contrast to the deferential way we tend to treat co-workers, friends, extended family members and acquaintances, we often speak unkind words and display horrible behaviors around those who we are closest to. Perhaps we do so because we feel safe and know we have their unconditional love. That may be true, but it does not mean that the toxic words and behaviors we hurl at one another are not terribly destructive. Over time, they can lead to a complete disconnect.

Everyone’s feelings have value, not just our own. When we are so blinded by the need to win or be right, we tune out the importance of being in right relationship with others and we forget how essential mutual respect is for maintaining healthy relationships.

Anger, which usually precedes a fight, likely stems from feeling hurt, misunderstood, unsupported, unappreciated, etc. These feelings are valid and need to be dealt with. Creating agreements and boundaries around how you want to be with each other is a good way to keep your relationships healthy and secure. By doing this together, you can have a deeper understanding of the type of relationships that you want. Setting boundaries should not make anyone feel like they can’t be themselves or like they are “walking on eggshells”; moreover, they clarify tolerance levels as far as what we are comfortable and uncomfortable with. Brene Brown, author and researcher suggests, “…we can be compassionate and accepting while holding people accountable for their behaviors.” and also, “When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or choice”. We are all creatures of habit and may need to be gently reminded if and when we cross boundaries.

Relationships that are healthy are based equality and respect, not power and control. It is possible to set healthy boundaries, state our needs and express our emotions (fear, frustration, guilt, shame, hurt, etc.) without creating a hostile and toxic environment.

In the heat of a moment, it is very hard to make good choices and it takes patience and time to learn new skills. As with any habit, we need to create new neural pathways in the brain in order to change the way we handle conflict.

Before your next “fight”, consider:

• Being willing to compromise and solve conflicts in a fair and rational way. It is not very rewarding to win the fight if we are all alone in the celebrating!
• Letting go being right and making others wrong.
• Softening up before getting into it! Dr. John Gottman suggests “soft start-ups” in his book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. These work with everyone, not just married couples!
• Being supportive and respectful with your words, tone, gestures and body language. Mimicking and sneering are just as toxic as the loudest “F-bomb”!
• Letting go of focus on irritants. Show some admiration for what others do right. Healthy relationships are about building each other up, not putting each other down.
• Offering appreciation, reassurance and encouragement when others own their behaviors, acknowledge your feelings and/or show willingness to compromise.
• Hearing  constructive criticism without becoming defensive
• Rephrasing anything that is perceived as hurtful, contemptuous, blaming or shaming.
• Clarify what you are hearing/mirroring (e.g. “So what I hear you saying is…).

• Softening up before getting into it! Dr. John Gottman suggests “soft start-ups” in his book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. These work with everyone, not just married couples! Conversations and altercations almost inevitably end with the same tone they begin with.

Note: Have patience for any mental health issues that may be impacting others’ behaviors that arise during conflict, while simultaneously offering encouragement and support of them seeking or receiving treatment. Hurling labels and accusations at someone who needs professional help will likely bring on defensiveness and shame and possibly deter them from seeking it. Individuals may need to work on their relationship with “self” before being in right relationship with others. 

Marriage usually starts off with the highest of hopes for a beautiful and bright future. No doubt, marriage is extremely complex and false information can be disheartening to couples that are working hard on making things work. Much of the information couples come across leaves them feeling as though they are just not good, strong or resourceful enough to handle the challenges. The reality is that these feelings stem from our lack of feelings of worthiness which will be further explored in a future article.

In John M. Gottman’s book, “ The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work”, he shares over 25 years of landmark marital research. Some of what he shares may be result in you saying, “Duh! I knew that!”, yet you may find some of what he has to say might be quite surprising. According to Gottman:

• People who stay married live four years longer than people who don’t.
• Even happily married couples can have screaming matches—loud arguments that don’t necessarily harm a marriage.
• The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70%, the quality of the couple’s friendship. For men, the determining factor is, by 70%, the quality of the couple’s friendship. So men and women come from the same planet after all.

Researchers have known for over a decade that divorce can depress the immune system, but what Gottman discovered is that the opposite may also be true. Not only do happily married people avoid this drop in immune function, but their immune systems may even be getting an extra boost!

“Good fighting” may not be all it’s cracked up to be. Successful conflict resolution is not what makes a marriage succeed. Couples that fight can be very happily married and devoted to each other when the positivity between them overrides their argumentative style.

Gender differences may well contribute to marital problems, but they do not actually cause them. Affairs are often blamed when divorce happens and it is often believed that men are, by nature, incapable of monogamy. Frequency of extramarital affairs does not depend on gender so much as opportunity. The increase in women working outside of the home allows “equal opportunity” for affairs and they are skyrocketing among married females. According to research by Annette Lawson, Ph.D., University of CA., Berkely’s Institute of Human Development, the number of extramarital affairs of young women now slightly exceeds those of men.

So how do you make a marriage work? There is no such thing as a perfect union. That said, happy marriages are based on deep friendship, a mutual respect one another and enjoyment of each other’s company. It’s all about being emotionally intelligent enough to want things to be right between the two of you more than you want to be the “one” who is right about specific issues or arguments.

As a fellow human being and relationship coach, I have seen firsthand that it is human nature to continuously live out the same stories over and over again until we learn what we need to learn in order to have healthy relationships. We may change the characters, the scene and the setting. However, the story will unfold over and over again until we choose to be in right relationship with others. Why not choose to learn our lessons together, during this lifetime and while committed to this current marriage?

I wish for all of you married couples who may be finding the commitment daunting much love, mutual respect and deep friendship! The work is very challenging, but can be quite rewarding. For those who find divorce is the only option, it is best to do it mindfully and with mutual compassion.

— Alison

Here is a simplistic list of Gottman’s Seven Principles:

*For more details, check out: http://www.gottman.com

1. “Enhance your love maps.” Love is in the details. That is, happy couples are very much familiar with their partner’s world. According to Gottman, these couples have “a richly detailed love map — my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” You know everything from your partner’s favorite movies to what’s currently stressing them out to some of their life dreams, and they know yours.

2. “Nurture your fondness and admiration.” Happy couples respect each other and have a general positive view of each other. Gottman says that fondness and admiration are two of the most important elements in a satisfying and long-term relationship. If these elements are completely missing, the marriage can’t be saved.

3. “Turn toward each other instead of away.” Romance isn’t a Caribbean cruise, an expensive meal or a lavish gift. Rather, romance lives and thrives in the everyday, little things. According to Gottman, “[Real-life romance] is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.”

4. “Let your partner influence you.” Happy couples are a team that considers each other’s perspective and feelings. They make decisions together and search out common ground. Letting your partner influence you isn’t about having one person hold the reins; it’s about honoring and respecting both people in the relationship.

5. “Solve your solvable problems.” Gottman says that there are two types of marital problems: conflicts that can be resolved and perpetual problems that can’t. It’s important for couples to determine which ones are which.

6. “Overcome gridlock.” Gottman says that the goal with perpetual problems is for couples to “move from gridlock to dialogue.” What usually under lies gridlock is unfulfilled dreams. “Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other,” Gottman writes. Happy couples believe in the importance of helping each other realize their dreams.

7. “Create shared meaning.” “Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together — a culture rich with rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the family you have become,” Gottman says.