The Relationship River

Much like a river, our emotions in regard to our relationships are constantly moving and often follow an unpredictable course. The most intimate associations can also be the most taxing! Like the flow of tributaries that enter in to the river in different places, we connect with others in different ways and under unique circumstances. With natural shifts, there are times when these bonds with others flow along smoothly, times when things feel very still or calm and other times when we hit “rapids” or obstructions along the way. Sometimes our feelings flow along in sync with people, but other sentiments are more solitary– our relationship with self may be the most challenging and rewarding one we will ever have.

Emotional experiences from our past and life challenges along with the “stories” we create about ourselves and one another are comparable to all of the debris collecting along the banks of any river. Some of these fixations block the flow. To get things flowing smoothly again, we may need to re-think whether or not our knee jerk reactions to our emotions are feeding or depleting our relationships. At first look, these jams or predicaments may seem to impede the positive, forward movement which in turn impacts our bonds with others or even our sense of self. We may then feel abandoned, defensive, ashamed, fearful, angry, etc.

It is human nature to avoid discomfort, yet uneasiness is a cue for us to take notice and be present. In Tara Brach’s book, True Refuge: Finding Peace and Freedom in Your Own Awakened Heart, she says, “Suffering is our call to attention, our call to investigate the truth of our beliefs.” With some introspection, these tough times are wonderful opportunities for growth. When we become curious and intrigued by what is really happening, we view our relationships through different lenses than we usually do and perceive what is happening in more diverse ways than we normally do. If we can resist the natural urge to label whatever shows up as being either good or bad, we begin to realize that it is not the flow or lack of flow of the “relationship river” that causes our pain and suffering. Instead, we come to see that it is our resistance to letting things flow along as they are that creates stress, tension and difficulty in our relationships with others.

We need to be able to travel the whole “river”- the entire range of the emotions in order to be with all parts of ourselves and others. If we jump out of the river and on to the banks whenever we feel resistance or decide that we’ve had enough, we won’t move further along in our journey with ourselves and others. Healthy relationships navigate it all… the stuck-ness, the fun, the sorrow, the conflict, the unknown, etc. The rocky, scary and often challenging “ride” is also very rewarding and well worth the effort.